I had heard many a mentions about the most hated, most dreaded guy in the gym but I had not encountered him or his evil ways in my many years of working out in many gyms. I was convinced his story was only a legend.
Today, as if I had recited his name three times in front of the gym’s nasty-ass restroom mirror HE APPEARED. (I had not, I swear!) A terrifying experience it was. He is known as:
~~ THE SQUAT RACK KILLER ~~
Upon arriving at the gym, I walked over to the only squat rack and I saw that it was occupied by a man with earplugs with skulls on them. I had yet to discover who this mysterious man was nor did I care. Hoping, no—PRAYING that he was using the squat rack for squats, lunges, or maybe some heavy shrugs, I waited for his apparent rest period to end. As he picked up the bar, I assumed it would go up over his head and land on his shoulders, but to my total and complete horror, it did not do as expected.
I should have seen the signs, the clear, obvious signs: HE PICKED UP THE BAR WITH A SUPPINATED GRIP! Who picks up the bar like that when they are about to place it on their shoulders and squat in the squat rack? WHO?!
In one motion he lifted the bar to the front of his shoulders while keeping his elbows somewhere near his sides. To my utter shock and dismay, I realized HE WAS DOING BICEP CURLS! Just then a black cat ran across the weight room and a large, dark shadow with what appeared to be horns floated upward, hugging the wall, right through the ceiling. At least I’m pretty sure I saw that.
My workout had not started, yet I was sweating. I turned away quickly before he noticed me and made myself busy with forearm curls. I considered singing “La la la” but that would have been too obvious. Same for whistling.
Good thing the squat rack could only take so much, because he finished without notice, without putting the bar away, WITHOUT REMOVING THE FREAKING PLATES from the bar. No surprise there, for someone as evil and sadistic as to do freaking bicep curls in the squat rack would clearly not have the humanity to clean up after himself.
Speaking of cleaning after oneself, (no, I did not shit my pants tho I was close) I could not use the inverted leg press while waiting for the squat rack because someone failed to clean their ball of sweat left on the headrest. It looked like someone threw a grapefruit at the headrest and it exploded, its citrusy juices running down. I’d be a smart man to bet large amounts of money that it was THE SQUAT RACK KILLER who also took out the inverted leg press. Serial killers by definition do not just kill once.
So I carried on with my workout wearing a smile on my face, being glad that the horrific ordeal was over.